There’s a part of me that can’t stand my own self-deprecation and self-consciousness [with quite occasional narcissistic undertones] anymore.
Why am I so ready to bring myself down so that others don’t need to do it for me? Why am I so self-conscious about my appearance when probably the people I trust and count on wouldn’t give a second thought about it? Why am I so afraid of actually improving on my voice, so afraid of actually trying to sing?
It’s a terrible mindset that I have — but one that I’ve become so used to and so complacent with that I’m too afraid to step out of it. I say to myself much of the time that I’ve always been passive, I’ve always had nothing I’ve been “good” at, so why should I break what my mind has always considered to be the status quo (if you bothered to click it, I apologize for the corniness)? Part of me wants so badly to be different, to change for my own betterment and mental happiness, but the part of me that’s been so used to being to being mediocre more than easily dominates that. It’s actually honestly fucking sad sometimes. Pardon my French. I’m sadly not good enough at letting the things and passions I enjoy doing take over my constant narcissistic fear of people judging my every action and step. Even though most people could care less how I sound or how I look after a few minutes, I keep on thinking about the issue – minutes, hours, days, even weeks later.
To myself, in the second person (I don’t have multiple personalities, it’s just an interesting mental exercise to write to yourself as if you were someone else :P): you’re able to write these posts, but you really, really need to actually try to get over it. Not a fake “try” where you laugh off your attempts in the face of your failures and your complacency, but a legit try. You’re almost 20 (which is still a very young age by the ways) and at this point you really need to try to get over at least some of your fears one by one. It feels comfortable to not have to do anything to change yourself, but comfortable will only plateau what you can do in your life.