I suck at being in social situations. It’s what it is.
It wasn’t always like this. Back in the early days of elementary school (when life just meant scribbling over sheets of paper and lining up to get lunch), I was the one who would obtrusively talk to people. Back in preschool, I was the one who would start a fight with someone not sharing his or her yogurt with me (not that that’s a good thing). Somewhere along the way, this “self” gradually disappeared.
Introversion and awkwardness are a double whammy to any semblance of social adequacy. Unfortunately, I possess both. I’ve taken online Myers-Briggs personality tests multiple times, and inaccuracy aside, have consistently gotten the INFP personality type: Introversion, Intuitive, Feeling, Perception. Before I start rambling on about my thoughts, I’ll just let y’all know that I am nowhere near an expert on anything to do with personality and that whatever I write should probably be taken with less than half a grain of salt [there’s my self-deprecation coming into play!]. I’m also still very unclear as to the exact meaning of Intuitive (my gut feelings have always been more right than my overthought responses though…) and Perception (I…perceive..people..clearly? I guess? I don’t even know *shrug*), so I’ll write about that sometime in the distant or near future when I do know what they’re talking about.
Introversion + Feeling:
I feel like I don’t show it to most people, but I’m a massive cauldron of emotion. 95% of the time I’m a pretty passive person, and I try my best to keep a RBF on as much as possible, especially around people I don’t know, but I also do it in front of friends and even close friends. I am pretty sure that I’ve caused many people to think of me as pretty cold and aloof in that sense, which I promise I’m not. Pinky promise. I just don’t like being open about myself to those I don’t feel like I feel comfortable around, though I am probably being hypocritical here by posting this post.
The other 5% is crowded by my sentimentality and my anger. I’ve always been a very sentimental person. There are memories I keep in my head that others have probably long forgotten. And being a sentimental person, I find solace and sometimes sadness in those memories. This coupled with my tendency to find sad and depressing R&B songs to listen to leads to nights where I sit in front of my laptop — gloomy, wishful, and my eyebags barely holding back some salty H2O. Emotions and sentimentality aren’t bad or harmful things, but sometimes I wish I had less of them so that my mind wouldn’t feel as crowded as it does every day.
Most people haven’t seen my angry side since middle school, and I count that as a plus. My anger isn’t necessarily extreme or out of this world, but I feel like it is a very stark contrast to my usual personality, which is one of standing in the corner of a social gathering, hands on my phone or laptop, matching orbs and cursing out RNG for not giving me an I tetromino, waiting for someone to say “hi”. I often tend to bottle up my anger in order to maintain my facade of nonchalance, which often times leads to me lashing out at someone with rage far exceeding what he or she actually deserved. Although it’s extremely mentally unhealthy, I’ve often used anger and rage as motivation to help me do better in life. I don’t know when I’ll ever be able to change that, but it would be great if it could be before I graduate from college.
I always have so, so much to say in my head — but it’s so incredibly hard to force it into speech. I really wish that my life experiences had shaped me to be more outgoing, more straightforward, more extroverted — but this isn’t H.G. Wells, and I don’t have a time machine. All I can do is make do with what I have, which honestly isn’t that much.
Man, writing feels so much more releasing than speaking.
comment to self: why isn’t there an english class about writing about feelings 😦 700 words is so much easier to write when there’s not a prompt to follow